So, it's time to decide which of our sixteen plucky contestants goes through to the quarter-finals! Expect some surprise results… but don't be too surprised. It's all rigged anyway.
Round One
vs. 
Ming the Merciless' appearances in Defenders of the Earth qualified him to enter, and he drew a doozy as his first opponent. It's a pretty heavy battle, with Mumm-Ra summoning ally after ally, bringing ancient magic into play and generally giving it all he's got. Ming's an old hand at the villainy lark and plays for time. Sadly while Mumm-Ra is in the middle of a particularly long and drawn-out laugh, Ming zaps him with a disintegrator ray. The Ancient Spirits of Evil, disgusted, end up forsaking Mumm-Ra (until the very next episode when they resurrect him). Mumm-Ra bows out in the first round.
Winner: Ming the Merciless!
vs. 
In one of the shortest matches of this round, Doctor Claw tries very hard to win the upper hand. He sends his MAD agents all over the globe, trying to track down an ancient artifact that could help defend him against the wrath of Venger. Inspector Gadget stumbles across the plot, cocks it up without even knowing it, and while Dr. Claw vows vengeance, Venger crops up and blasts him with an energy bolt.
FWACKOOM!
Winner: Venger!
vs. 
The tournament continues to sort out the men from the boys as Gargamel is torn away from his continual attempts to capture the smurfs and instead has to contend with the leader of the Foot. Gargamel tries to cast a wicked spell, but the incantation is disrupted when the Shredder kicks the shit out of him. Gargamel is stretchered out of the tournament, ensuring that a ninja gets to go through to the quarter-finals!
Winner: Shredder!
vs. 
The first round of the contest is dogged by even more bizarre battles as the Clown Prince of Crime is set against the captain of the Maelstrom. Lord Bloth has the ship, the crew and the skill at arms, but in terms of brains he's no match for the criminal genius of the Joker. Bloth tries to get his trusty number two, Mantus, to help him, but Peter Cullen's too busy doing Venger's post-match gloat to give Mantus a voice. Bloth ends up being punted over the side of the Maelstrom before Mantus can give a word of advice.
Winner: The Joker!
vs. 
Miles Mayhem promptly takes the initiative in this battle, ordering VENOM (the Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem) to gather information on his new opponent. They manage to patch into Lord Fear's security systems at Marblehead Fortress in order to spy on him, but sadly Miles falls foul of the automated spyglass detection and counter-measures. These automated systems detect when someone's getting a bit too cocky with the spy-systems and then zaps them with an 18-megawatt fireball if they watch for too long.
FWACKOOM!
Winner: Lord Fear!
vs. 
Fresh from being confounded by Danger Mouse and Penfold again, Baron Greenback has a go at trying to improve his appearance in the villainy stakes. He pales considerably when he finds his opponent is none other than the Master of Latveria – Doctor Doom! It looks to be a very short and one-sided battle, before Dr. Doom sees the fixtures, sneers and stomps off in a huff.
The Master of Latveria does not fight toads. This contest is beneath his dignity.
As the only villain remaining in the contest, Greenback goes through to the quarter-finals by default.
Winner: (and none more surprised than I!) Baron Silas Greenback!
vs. 
On the one hand we've got a madman who's an expert in experimental weapons and counter-intelligence. On the other we've got an insignificant little tosser who just happens to have bombs.
Cobra Commander decides it'll be easy enough. Adopting Miles Mayhem's technique, he patches into the global positioning system, and orders a vigilance alert on all explosives experts. He installs a new communications system to facilitate all this. Sadly, the part-time electrician he kidnaps to install all this happens to talk to himself a lot.
The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight: So he sez ta me, Evil's okay in my book, how about yours?
and I sez YEAH BABY YEAH! I wanna be bad!
Surf's up, space ponies! I'M MAKIN' GRAVY WITHOUT THE LUMPS! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Cobra's secret base blows up soon after.
Winner: The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight!
vs. 
Finally, a decent fight! Magic is pitted against technology; cannon against Havoc Staff. Skeletor fires blast after blast at the giant robot, who fires blast after blast back at him. After a while it all gets rather boring.
But wait! What's this? Megatron's just been shot down from behind with a null-ray? Who would do such a base and cowardly deed? None other than Starscream, Megatron's treacherous underling. Skeletor gives Starscream a big ol' bag of energon cubes as payment for helping him out of a tight corner. With a low-down dirty trick, Skeletor does the impossible and actually beats someone for once!
Winner: Skeletor!
Well, Ladies and Germs, we've had a few surprise results there – and a few that weren't much of a surprise at all! Here's how things currently stand. The following villains go through to the quarter-finals.
- Skeletor
- Venger
- Ming the Merciless
- The Joker
- The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight
- Baron Silas Greenback
- The Shredder
- Lord Fear