Slack 'n' Hash

Battle of the Villains

Twelve down; four to go. Once again, it's time to eliminate half of the list of ne'er-do-wells in order to find out who'll have the privilege of competing for the title of Best Kids' TV Nostalgic Villain In The Whole Multiverse Ever – only with a slightly less cumbersome title, obviously.

Semi-Finals

Lord Fear vs. Skeletor

This is a close one. Both Skeletor and Lord Fear have knowledge of magic and technology, as well as a grotesque gallery of minions. In the end, the only way this fight is resolved is by a battle of wills.

SKELETOR: Give up, Lord Fear. You can't possibly win! I've pitted my might against He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe! What makes you think you stand a chance?
LORD FEAR: Elementary, my dear Skullhead. My evil prevails. A mere six defeats in four seasons. How many times have you beaten your arch-nemesis?
SKELETOR: Well, there was that time when… no, wait… I can remember one…
LORD FEAR: Exactly. You haven't. You've not won a single fight. I'd say I was fifty times the villain you were, but sadly fifty times zero is zero. Meanwhile there's quite a nice little graveyard filled with the bodies of Dungeoneers who've chanced their arm against me and paid the price. I've won more fights than you and you know it, you miserable excuse for a villain.
Skeletor starts sobbing uncontrollably. Meanwhile Lord Fear chants to the tune of Go West by The Village People.
LORD FEAR: # You're shit / and you know you are! / You're shit / and you know you are! / You're shit / and you know you are! / You're shit / and you know you are!

Winner: Lord Fear!


Venger vs. Baron Silas Greenback

This was not a long fight. Admittedly the Baron made a fatal error on the night before the battle. His manager has always told him 'no sex before a fight' but would Greenback take a hint? Nope. He and his good lady wife decide to do it anyway. Of course, we all know how long frogs mate for, don't we? They're still at it, two days later.

Venger decides he's had enough, and blasts Baron Greenback with an energy bolt; possibly the most drastic form of coitus interruptus in history. Poor old Greenback. Didn't even get to the vinegar strokes.

Winner: Venger!


Two contestants remain: Lord Fear and Venger. Join us for the weigh-in before the finals!

Venger vs. Lord Fear


Last modified: 26/11/08. All material ©2003-8 its creators.

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