Pre-Match Interviews
We wanted to get a few words from both the contestants in this clash of the titans, to see how much they fancied their chances. Our roving reporter's first port of call was The Realm, where Venger was making his press statement.
VENGER: Lord Fear is a fool to think that he can stand against me. The contest is as good as mine. If he were wise enough to surrender to me at once I may be persuaded to be merciful.
SHADOW DEMON: But, Master! What would become of me if Lord Fear were to become your minion?
VENGER: Silence!
Shadow Demon cowers.
OUR CORRESPONDENT: But, Venger, what do you have to say about the controversy surrounding your selection for this contest? Isn't Tiamat stronger than you and therefore a better choice of contestant?
Shadow Demon cowers even more. Venger scowls. A lengthy silence descends. Venger raises a hand and blasts our correspondent with an energy bolt. FWACKOOM!
VENGER: I trust I have made myself perfectly clear.
After he was discharged from hospital, we sent our sports correspondent to Marblehead Fortress. We have yet to hear from him, although Lord Fear was nice enough to send us this email:
From: The Leader of the Opposition and Master of Marblehead Fortress, Lord Fear <lordness@theopposition.org>
To: Slack 'n' Hash
CC: Beardy McBeardface <treguard_dunshelm@knightmare-castle.co.uk>
Attachments: fireball.pif
Oh dear, oh dear. That journalist couldn't even solve a basic counting puzzle and get down to Level Three. What do they teach them in school these days? Such a shame he won't have the chance to regret his inability to cross the causeway, what with falling into a big pit and everything. I'd apologise, only I don't want to. Hopefully Venger will be as much in awe of my fiendish intellect as you undoubtedly are.
Worst wishes, Lord Fear.
P.S. Hi! How are you? I sent you this file in order to have your advice
The Final
So, who's the most evil? The battle, like so many before it, was surprisingly short. Lord Fear invited Venger to Marblehead to discuss a potential alliance.
LORD FEAR: The thing is, Venge -- I can call you Venge, can't I? -- we've both had a lot of experience in fighting the most dangerous creatures in the universe: the adolescent human. Pooling our resources might be worth a try.
VENGER: Indeed? And what makes you think I would consider working with you as an equal, Lord Fear?
LISSARD: Lordness! Lordness!
LORD FEAR: Not now, Tuna Breath. I'm in the middle of a negotiation.
VENGER: You are a weakling and a fool, Lord Fear. There is nothing to negotiate. Now I am here I shall simply destroy you and claim my position as winner of the contest!
LISSARD: But, Lordness!
LORD FEAR: Oh, very well, Lissard. Now!
Lissard pulls a lever. A section of wall slides up, revealing Tiamat the Dragon. Venger recoils.
VENGER: What treachery is this?
LORD FEAR: Tiamat and I cut a deal a few hours before your arrival, came to a mutually beneficial arrangement. You see, Vengie, that's the difference betweem you and me; you're never going to get anywhere in the supervillain leagues if you don't negotiate now and again. I take it you two have actually met?
Tiamat promptly blasts Venger with breath weapons. Venger returns fire, but to no avail. He retreats. On Lord Fear's instruction, Lissard drags a vast sack of coins over to Tiamat.
LORD FEAR: I think you'll find that's all in order, Tiamat. A pleasure doing business with you!
Winner: Lord Fear!
In the end the leader of the Opposition takes the title and is the most evil Kids' TV villain of all time. Until next time, anyway.
