or, How to Nurture Your Inner Child and Wound Everyone Else's.
The superheroes just don't take me seriously as a threat anymore!
I can't rant at people – they'll laugh!
The last time I tried to declaim a speech to my horde of minions, I just froze up and started sobbing!
Does that sound familiar? Dear villainous reader, it happens more often than you think. For every successful, confident villain out there in the world, there are ten unsuccessful, unconfident villains; people like you and me who have the potential to go out there and terrorise the world, but will never pluck up the courage to get out there and make everyone else's lives a misery. Thanks to Aunty Phil's eight-point plan for villainous success, however, I'll show you how you can set aside those feelings of self-loathing and self-doubt and make yourself a villain to be remembered! Remember, learn to love yourself.
1. The Name
The first step in reinventing yourself as a villain is to reinvent you. If you're not happy with the person you are, why not start again from the ground up? So your name's Norris Utterthwaite? Never mind! They needn't know! Just call yourself Norris the Avenger or Necksnapper Bloodgargle Utterthwaite and never look back! A new name is the first step towards a new and more villainous you.
A new name can take any form. Your imagination is the only limit. Consider your favourite evil deeds. Are you a violent man? Consider calling yourself Ripper this or Killer that, or maybe Such-and-such the Vicious. Make whatever claims about your ability that you like, too. Why stop at 'the Pyromaniac' when you could be 'the Immolator', or 'master of Hell's Sharp Flames' or 'Dark Lord of the Inferno'? The more impressive the name, the more impressive you'll seem.
Try and avoid a name that's too general in nature. Calling yourself X the Invincible or Y the Almighty is a lot to live up to; and very embarrassing when you're proved wrong!
Okay, so you've got your name. Now you have to get used to it. It's no good becoming known as 'Thousand-Faced Thralgar' if someone calls for Thousand-Faced Thralgar and you don't know who that is, is it? So get in front of a mirror – you are not ugly, don't say that! – and repeat your new, villainous name. Tell your reflection 'I am Bongo, Dark Lord of Iniquity, and I don't care who knows it!' Use the full title. Make up other ones to go with it. Cut loose and have fun. Every villain needs some quality time with his villainous self, a chance to process his issues and explore his parameters, and that always starts with his identity.