I said from the very beginning that the only good hobbit was a roast hobbit and I'm sticking to it.Michael Moorcock
Michael Moorcock may have taken issue with the 'Merry England' sentimentality that pervades Tolkien's work but, agree or disagree, when he came out with that line I have to admit he inspired me in ways of which he probably wouldn't approve. Now, for the purposes of this article please take note that I am not proposing to instruct you on the correct preparation of halflings for table -- or at least, not the halflings you get in current iterations of D&D or the D20 system. These halflings, derived as they are from the Kender in the Dragonlance campaign setting, are a race of athletic adrenaline junkies, so their meat tends to be stringy and doesn't taste particularly nice. No, today we plan to roast hobbits. Sedentary forelock-tugging homebodies who don't go anywhere and don't like to make a fuss.
In case there is any remaining doubt in your minds as to what species' culinary potential I intend to explore, let us take the most famous definition of the animal and start our journey there. I am indebted to Tabitha Brown for her wonderful illustrations.
I suppose hobbits need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People, as they call us. They are (or were) a little people, about half our height, and smaller than the bearded Dwarves. Hobbits have no beards. There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort which allows them to disappear quietly and quickly when large stupid folk like you and me come blundering along, making a noise like elephants which they can hear a mile off. They are inclined to be fat in the stomach; they dress in bright colours (chiefly green and yellow); wear no shoes, because their feet grow naturally leathery soles and thick warm brown hair like the stuff on their heads (which is curly); have long clever brown fingers, good-natured faces, and laugh deep fruity laughs (especially after dinner, which they have twice a day when they can get it). Now you know enough to go on with.
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit.
Bagging Your Bilbo
Before you can roast a hobbit, you need to catch a hobbit. Now, if you've been paying attention (Bloody Hell... first page and already I've lost you!) you'll know that this isn't as easy as it might seem. They're stealthy, they have acute hearing and are good at retreating and hiding from danger. Suffice to say, they'll hear a hunting party coming and vanish pretty bloody quickly. Now, it strikes me that you can adopt one of two tactics. You can either try to snare the hobbit, or you can just rush in and hope for the best.
Snares
If you wish to trap your hobbit, you'll need some bait. Hobbits are civilised and gluttonous, so cakes tend to work best. The problem is that hobbits have acute senses and are pretty dextrous. You can't just put a gateaux on a big mouse trap and hope that'll work: they'll have whipped that cake and scoffed it before you've even broken cover. You must arrange your bait in such a way that it'll catch the hobbit's eye, draw him closer and make him take great care over how he sets about helping himself to the cakey goodness.
I recommend the following equipment:
- A brass cake stand with at least four dishes.
- Lace doilies: one for each of the cake stand's dishes.
- A selection of cakes and biscuits. Good choices include:
- Slices of fruit cake and seed-cake
- Chocolate éclairs
- Cream horns
- Macaroons
- McVities' Jaffa cakes
- Individual carrot cakes, topped with walnuts
- Fondant fancies
- A tea-trolley.
- A tea service -- china works best -- including teapot, milk jug and at least four cups and saucers.
No hobbit can resist the prospect of a complimentary cream tea. Presented with such a lure, your prey will quite happily set about relieving your trap of its goodies one by one in a dainty, delicate fashion for consumption elsewhere. While he's doing this you should be able to bag him with your hunting rifle. One shot to the head should be quite sufficient.
Surprise!
This method can also return pretty good results, but there is considerable preparation time involved. For a start, you have to befriend some hobbits, which is an effort in itself: while they might be cheerful, affable fellows, the little bastards tend to be suspicious of bigger folk. Still, let's assume you've befriended a hobbit and he's invited you round for tea. Knock him out or get him drunk, and he's ready for slaughter.
The scary way
This tactic is slightly less expensive, since you don't end up spending nearly so much on cake. As noted before, hobbits will go to ground at the first sign of danger. Fortunately, hobbit holes are a lot easier to find than rabbit holes. The doors and round windows tend to give them away. Don't worry about stealth as chances are they heard you coming. Instead, make as much noise as possible. Your goal here is to terrify them into submission. Kick a few windows and doors in. Fire a shot into the air just to see if you can startle any of them into breaking cover. If you have a hunting dog, now might be a good time to make use of him.
If you're doing your job right, most of the hobbits in the area will be cowering in their holes, positively cacking their pants with fear. The adrenaline might spoil the flavour somewhat, so mind how you go. Still, you should be able to just walk in (mind you don't bang your head on the ceiling!), grab your hobbit, knock him out, put him in the sack and drag him home.